Also known as: “In Week 11 I went berserk and became the Godzilla of the supermarket.” Foodzilla was more like it.
So what happens when you do fail in your efforts to reach your goal?
Just so you know that I’m not preaching perfectionism and that I’m just as human as anyone else, I’ll share with you what happened to me during my first attempt to radically reset my life with my Course Correct plan.
Expecting the unexpected is something we should, well, expect. But this…this was a mechanical failure. It wasn’t like an unexpected cupcake on your birthday that you enjoy with abandon because it’s a worthy special occasion. It wasn’t the unexpected glass of champagne you’re handed at a party or a spontaneous lunch out with a friend where you freely enjoy and then move on with life. This was a full-blown meltdown. It was the ‘time to turn on the emergency locator beacon and find the nearest field to land in because we have lost flight capabilities’ kind of unexpected.
I thought I’d trained for this. I was ready for an emergency landing, right?
I’d been humming along, firing on all cylinders for weeks. I’d lost 16 pounds and numerous inches and even weathered a couple of frustrating weight plateaus as well as frustrations over not following some of my own rules as well as I’d intended. I was on course in most ways and working on not beating myself up for not being perfect in my efforts. (A fault of mine; I can beat myself up like a prizefighter.)
For most perfectionists, perfection is the stick we use to beat ourselves up. I’d been flexible but very, very consistent.
What instigated my sudden plummet to Earth?
My best guess is that it was a combination of things: Boredom. Stress certainly contributed. I had to also be willing to consider that my inner-juvenile was probably pretty irritated at all the restrictions I’d suddenly placed on her. A huge factor: stress and some old emotional wounds had me suffering some feelings I didn’t want to feel. Cue the numbing!
When old wounds are dredged up, old coping mechanisms can kick in.
Around that time, I also violated one of my “Spirit” reset rules: Absolutely do not say ‘yes’ to things that I don’t want to do. Most women understand the need for a rule like this. We are raised to be caretakers and to people please and if we are even slightly rickety about boundaries or our own self-worth then we find that we say ‘yes’ far more than we should or is healthy.
I agreed to a project that very quickly took over my life. Tight deadline. High-octane stress. Flapping like crazy in a headwind. I had no plan in place for how to cope with the stress of it all. It affected my healthy routines. Not surprisingly, I fell back into my old ways of coping: food and alcohol.
When I say food, I mean that I binged. For twelve days, I ate like it was my last twelve days on earth. Never mind that my body hadn’t consumed anything but clean, whole foods in over two months with no alcohol, diary, or gluten. Pizza at my son’s birthday party? Oh heck yes. Cake? You betcha. Chips, cookies, cheese in its many glorious forms, candy, ice-cream, eating out at restaurants, an apparent “no carb left behind” proclamation, and of course, wine and champagne.
I exercised half as much and half as hard. My sleep habits became erratic. Meditation and yoga dropped off, as did most other rules. Hear that record scratching sound? That was the sound of my spirit halting mid-song, going back in time to three months earlier.
What I told myself on day one was, “I’ve been ahh-MAY-zing! Look at how marvelously consistent I’ve been. I deserve this weekend off. I’ll get right back on track on Monday.” Sound familiar? It did to me, too. That was the voice of a self I thought I’d retired. I’d started my Course Correct on December 13th! I’d weathered the freaking holidays, a birthday, and various temptations and had stayed the course. I told myself that one weekend off wasn’t going to change the state of the world. It was a blip in my overall life timeline, would be healthy even, for me to not be so rigid. Life is about balance, right? Surely I’d proven that I was strong enough to have a day or so of fun and get right back on track…yada yada yada.
Careful the things you tell yourself when granting permission to do something you know isn’t in your best interest.
By around day five, I was straight-out despairing and thus began the cyclical self-talk, giving myself continuous Scarlett O’Hara declarations about tomorrow. You can probably guess what happened. Next day, Foodzilla was plowing through every food group and some that shouldn’t even be called food, and washing it all down with wine. I was on a rampage, even more debaucherous than I’d been in the months/years before I started my program.
It took me twelve days to restart my engine.
On day twelve, I was exhausted and emotionally miserable. My body literally felt toxic—like slow-moving sludge in my bloodstream. I had a constellation of cystic pimples on my chin, diarrhea, was bloated from head to toe, had zero energy, and was up a few hard-fought pounds.
Talk about amazing results! Not good results I grant you, but I’d certainly achieved…something.
Please don’t think that this book advocates beating yourself up for who you are or where you are now in favor of an idealized version that might be unrealistic or rooted in perfectionism. I’m a firm believer that we must love and accept ourselves at every stage of our lives. You can’t build your best self from a place of self-hatred. It’s a weak foundation. My message is about listening to the voice inside that knows what’s truly best for you. I’d argue that if you’re hurting yourself, if you’re engaging in actions that aren’t in your highest good, that’s not self-acceptance—it’s self-loathing in action.
A “free day” is a healthy break from the strictness of any self-improvement plan. A “free two weeks” is a major disruption and interruption to a well-planned course of action. I was hurting myself. I’d written myself a pass and supported it with lots of crazy reasons why it was okay, thus giving myself permission to sabotage. I’d done this before, many times, and I’d surely do it again if I didn’t figure out why.
Sabotage… Looking up the etymology of that word, I found an interesting tidbit about early English language definition of the word, “malicious mischief.” So apt, I laughed. Yes! I was guilty of malicious mischief against my Highest Self.
A good mechanic has the knowledge to troubleshoot and assesses what’s wrong. I had to be my own mechanic and get honest with myself about why my engine petered out and what repairs I’d need to make to get back on course. I’d worked too hard to turn back at the first sign of trouble.
The good news is, I already knew what to do. I’d been doing it! And nothing buoys your sense of what’s possible than recalling times you successfully achieved something. I wasn’t guessing about the fix, but it would require some deeper soul-searching to find the underlying problem and tune myself up so that it wouldn’t again take two weeks of self-destructive behavior before I pulled up from my plummeting nosedive.
Emotional eating or any form of maladaptive coping strategy is usually a habitual learned behavior. Somewhere along the line, we figured out that when we feel A and then do B, we feel better. But the bill always comes due. Whether it’s drinking, eating, drugs, sex, or shopping, we’re never let off the hook for “using” to smooth out or block out our uncomfortable emotions.
Back to my assessment checklist and the rules for my course correct. I needed to debrief and begin again. This time, I knew there’d need to be a thorough emphasis on my emotional/mental health because I felt instinctively that I’d ignored a blinking red engine light in that zone of my life.
In looking at my Course Correct Rules, I saw very clearly that I’d virtually ignored one entire area: Spirit. Going back to my personal rules, I saw that I made time for the ones that I was already adept at, like counting calories and exercising, or reading and writing in my journal.
Because I’d been hyper-focused on two other areas of my Course Correct Rules, I felt satisfied that I was making major changes. Not surprisingly, my spirit, the throne of my emotional kingdom, was left to rot and ruin.
In hindsight, it seems silly to think I’d be able to meet my Highest Self without tending very regularly to the needs of my spirit. I even have a catchphrase for the times when I put my spirit first; Soul Needs Time. Giving short shrift to my soul, to my specific and unique emotional and spiritual needs, I’d unwittingly cut the legs out from underneath my Highest Self.
She is spirit. She is the embodiment of all that is wise and experienced within me.
Despite great efforts during my first Course Correct, I didn’t quite get where I wanted to go and I gave myself permission to “go around.”
I started over.
Action item
· Treat yourself like the CEO of YOU, Inc. Schedule important tasks, even ones like “Check in with yourself” or “breathe” or “Have I done something for myself today?” like meetings. You could set reminders on your phone or use an app (I’ve used one called ‘Productive’ with success.) It can be customized with your goals and sends reminders, notifications, and keeps track of your “streaks”.
· If you drift off course for more than 24 hours, I want you to start your Course Correct over from Day 1. That can be a pretty jarring possibility and might just deter you from turning one “free” day into a free for all.
